Burger King – The progressive attitudes of Burger King employees is quite refreshing. I like that I can spend an extended amount of time in their bathroom without being harassed and they don’t seem to mind if I’m accompanied by a member of the opposite sex. The open mindedness of the staff doesn’t end there as they offer a drug and alcohol friendly environment. If this is a restaurant you visit often, I strongly recommend becoming a member of the exclusive Frequent Buyer Club.

Don’t forget to be courteous to staff by disposing of any condoms or drug paraphernalia while partying in a BK bathroom.

Only six more meals to go!

Wendy’s – Never in my life have I come across a bigger group of sexually immature people. Not long ago I felt an irresistible urge to pleasure myself while dining at Wendy’s. Since I had purchased a hamburger, I felt it was within my rights to masturbate quietly in the privacy of a bathroom stall. Unfortunately, the under-qualified manager disagreed and I was rudely escorted out of the restaurant and was told to never return. Not only was my privacy invaded, but I felt threatened, intimidated, and discriminated against. The uncivilized ambiance of the restaurant might be attractive to a studious religious type, but those of us who have an open mind towards a healthy sexual lifestyle should stay far away.

If you enjoy feeling an overwhelming sense of paranoia while dining, Wendy’s is likely the restaurant for you.

McDonald’s – If you’re looking for a restaurant that offers a sense of sophistication, then McDonald’s may be for you. Many of these restaurants have gone through an upscale renovation that seem to attract a diverse, tech savvy clientele, including an actual homosexual couple that I witnessed sharing a Filet-O-Fish. If you’re on a budget like me and looking for romance, why not take advantage of a two-can-dine for $7.99 special and snuggle up to one of the classy secluded fireplaces. One drawback to McDonald’s is their policy of not allowing customers to use their phone to make long distance calls. It shouldn’t matter if it’s an emergency or not, and quite frankly, it’s none of their business.

While their bathrooms aren’t fair game for sexual activity, McDonald’s free Wi-Fi offers pornography enthusiast a different atmosphere to watch their favorite adult film stars in action.

Fireplace = Aphrodisiac

Arby’s – I’m pleased to announce that I’m once again in good standing with management of the local Arby’s. Several years ago, I was falsely accused of being responsible for an incident where one of their toilets was severely clogged and their plumbing was almost completely destroyed thanks to an abnormally large bowel movement left by my friend. After a lengthy back and forth and a threat of legal action, the manager agreed to reinstate my dining privileges with full drive-thru access. Just a classic misunderstanding I suppose.

It’s also nice that Arby’s doesn’t discriminate against those with criminal backgrounds, but is it really necessary to constantly warn us against the social stereotypes associated with being a “rat”?

It’s clear that fast food restaurants are much more than just a place to grab a quick bite to eat. They’re embedded into our social culture and provide a place for us to interact with friends, laugh with family members, and in some cases, experiment with drugs. Everyone’s experience is different, but my fast food customer experience likely isn’t that much different than some of yours.

So let’s hear it – Maybe you’ve been discriminated against like I was, or maybe you found love in a Burger King bathroom. Feel free to share your experiences with others and we can all work together to gain better insight into the culture of the fast food customer experience.

Like most of us, I’ve gone through dark periods when I’ve had murder on my mind, but in reality, I don’t think it’s something I’d ever be capable of. Rage is a funny thing – when acted upon, it can often have deadly consequences. For example, you might experience uncontrollable anger after you’re refused service at your favorite fast food restaurant because you’ve been falsely accused of lewd behavior in their bathroom. Some might use this anger as an excuse to pick up a hitchhiker, bring him out to the woods, and cave his skull in with a large rock. Although hitchhikers are easy targets for murder, this should never be your response.

It’s important for all of us to know how to channel our dark emotions, however, it seems like some of us are left with no choice. If you must commit murder, don’t make the amateur mistake of taking out a life insurance policy on the intended victim. It might seem like a ‘two birds with one stone’ type of situation, but it will only lead to suspicion.

In closing, I’d like to say that murder is never the answer. So, next time you’re criticized by your mom’s boyfriend for refusing to drive him to his son’s funeral unless he buys you lunch and provides you with a full tank of gas, don’t act upon your deadly murderous instincts. Learn from everyday situations like this, and remember that some people are unreasonable and lack common sense.

Some would argue that although comical, it’s not a natural sexual position, while others would counter that it’s a fun way for two sexual partners to simultaneously pleasure each other.

Like many popular debate topics, there’s valid points made by each side. I for one believe that not only is the 69er hilarious on many different levels, but it can and should be a position that couples make part of their sexual repertoire.

I admit that jumping into the 69er position unprepared can cause lots of strain on one’s neck. Getting accustom to the proper 69 positioning can take time, but by working together, partners can make the 69er a fun and very pleasurable part of their sex position rotation.

My advice to all consensual sex having adults is to have an open mind about the 69er and to never hesitate to laugh at a 69er joke.

At the turn of the century, going bare was all the rage. While individuals in my demographic have likely carried this trend forward, it doesn’t exactly mean the new generation of consensual sex having pubic hair growers are following in our footsteps.

Pornography from the 70′s (one of my favorite era’s) indicates that grooming your pubic hair wasn’t a trend at all during that period. It was commonplace to let hair in the pubic region grow freely, so technically, not grooming your pubic hair was the trend at the time.

From studying lots of modern pornography and from recent sexual encounters with women from all walks of life, it’s hard to put a finger on what the current pubic hair trend is. From the traditional full grown bush, to strategically thought-out designs, and of course the sophisticated completely bare look, I’ve seen it all over the past few years.

Perhaps the trend now is to not be trendy at all. Have fun with your pubic hair, but don’t let it define you. Don’t feel pressure to imitate what you see in the movies or copy what you’re friends are doing.

Be free to express yourself, and always keep an open mind.

Are you aware that constant and unexpected erections are an indication of healthy male bodily function? If you weren’t aware of this common known fact, you are now.

The reason I bring this to your attention is because I was rudely escorted out of the library yesterday, simply because I had an erection. I admit that wearing jogging pants made the erection much more obvious, but I like to dress casually during the daytime and shouldn’t be judged for doing so.

I feel that I was discriminated against, simply because I have an extremely healthy sex drive. I can’t always control the way specific body parts react within a certain environment. I was made to feel as if I was some type of pervert, and this isn’t the way our society should function. Are you so sexually immature that you consider the natural chemistry of the human body to be ‘lewd behavior’?

It’s not fair that my library borrowing privileges have been revoked and I’d like to be reinstated with a clean slate. I’d prefer not to get my lawyer involved, but will not hesitate to do so.

On a personal note, it might be in your best interest to become better acclimated to your own sexuality. Then, maybe you won’t be so offended by those of us who have an open mind to the human body’s proper sexual functions.

I guess I’ll see you around; either back at the library, or in court. The choice is yours.

What’s so wrong about two practical strangers coming together for a night of passionate lust? Those of us who have an open mind can take great pleasure in this type of sexual interaction, but we seem to be in the minority.

Society and popular media has taught us that we should feel ashamed the morning following a night of extreme sex with someone whom we’re not in a relationship with, but why? It’s in our DNA to mate with each other, and it can be unhealthy not to give in to your sexual urges. Shouldn’t we be encouraging each other to take on as many sexual partners as possible?

On your walk home the morning after a night of hardcore sex with a special friend, you should feel a sense of pride. Don’t allow sexually immature people to make you believe you should feel guilty or ashamed simply because you rewarded yourself by achieving a high level of arousal.

But what if you were involved in a sexual encounter with a less than desirable individual? Instead of second guessing your decision, take pride in knowing you helped someone realize a sexual fantasy.

It’s time to do away with ‘the walk of shame’, and time to introduce ‘the walk of pride’.

Society’s view of public masturbation is very subjective, but it’s important to remember that masturbation has countless health benefits. But should these health benefits come at the cost of potential criminal charges for what some might consider to be lewd behavior? It’s not easy to determine when public masturbation is acceptable or not, as most establishments don’t visibly enforce any type of masturbation policy. Should we simply assume that we should wait until we’re in the privacy of our own homes, or is discretion the key to this unavoidable scenario?

I suppose that there’s more questions than answers when it comes to the acceptability of public masturbation. There’s certainly a lot of grey area, and we might have to rely on the government to step in and enforce some official guidelines.

In the meantime, I suggest that we keep an open mind to those of us who have a hunger for conducting sexual acts in public, as long as it’s done discreetly and no one is physically harmed.